Sunday, May 11, 2008

Absence apparently DOES make the heart grow fonder (and forgetfull)...

What I learned this weekend after spending 72 hours listening to put-downs, insults, and mindless banter delivered in the falsetto voice of a Viennese choir boy wearing the grin of a patient at a mental hospital. Ahh, Mother's Day (weekend).
  1. No matter who does something she dislikes, she will remember it as her eldest daughter doing it to her... and hold a grudge.
  2. Her eldest daughter can do something nice for her and she will retell the story repeatedly... except the main character in the story is changed to her youngest daughter instead - or better yet the apple of her eye, her nephew.
  3. Brownies are ok to eat as breakfast if you have diabetes.
  4. Spilling large amounts of liquid on carpet is ok if it's "only water". (Don't bother to clean it up, it won't sink into the pads and ruin the floor.)
  5. It is fine to hang your flag-sized underwear in the shower of the house you are staying at as a guest.
  6. Listening to a unending dialog of questions about every item in your house, it's use, the location you obtained it, the date you obtained it, and the motive for obtaining it is enough to make your brain explode.
  7. Oprah, Martha Stuart, Dr. Phil, and Woman's Day magazine are gospel.
  8. You can hear about the pregnant man one two many times.
  9. No matter how many times you tell her the dogs view her as the lowest member of the pack, she will wave the ham sandwich around and be surprised when he walks up and takes it.
  10. When viewed by the dogs as the lowest member of the pack it is not a wise idea to go anywhere near the food or water dish (or plate of food on the table). The dog believes you are not worthy of said food and will strongly object if he has no R-E-S-P-E-C-T for you.
  11. You will not earn the respect of the dog if you sing "no" to them with the afore mentioned grin on your face.
  12. No matter how hard I try to grin-and-bear-it because I am trying to be a good daughter it is all I can do not to completely lose it with her.
  13. Knowing someone is purposely pushing your buttons does not make it any easier to deal with.
  14. 3 hour visits are the maximum in the future.

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